Posts tagged personal
Posts tagged personal
Having a crush on someone you shouldn’t have a crush on sucks.
I’ve wanted to meet you ever since we first spoke all those years ago. It’s so weird to think that it has been nearly 4 years. To think I was only 15 when I met you. God, I wish you had met me a lot earlier than that. I was a complete mess when I was 15. Ha. I still am.
I want to meet you more than anything, but the thought of meeting you and spending time with you, possibly living with you for a few weeks, terrifies me.
I would honestly say that you know me better than anyone else. You know things about me that I haven’t dared share with anyone else. You know my secrets, you know about the cruel, horrible things I’ve done in the past (to you and to others). You know what I like and what I dislike. You know what kind of movies I like to watch and what movies I can’t watch. You know what I like to do during the day. You know how I react to certain things/people. You know a lot about me because I feel comfortable enough to open up to you and to let you see these things.
But that’s just the beginning.
I’m a quirky person. I have a lot of weird habits and quirks that I don’t like people to see because I think they’re weird.
If I was to visit you, and possibly stay with you, you would learn all of these things and that’s scary, because no one else knows about them.
You’ll learn that I count my steps when I’m indoors and if I stop on an odd number, I’ll take an extra step. You’ll learn that when I walk up a flight of stairs, I need start with my left foot on the first step; and when I walk up a flight or stairs, I need to start with my right foot on the first step. You’ll learn that when I walk, I purposefully walk on the same foot as the other people (I would literally ask you to stop walking for a second so that I could be on the same footing as you). You’ll learn that I hum a lot of tunes that don’t really exist, I just make them up in my head. You’ll learn that I sing - very badly - in the shower. You’ll learn that I will never be satisfied with my side of the bed, no matter what side it is. You’ll learn that I’m terrified of the dark to the point where I will turn on all the lights on my way to the bathroom. You’ll learn that I bite my nails when I’m nervous. You’ll learn that I can’t sit still for very long. You’ll learn that I am ridiculously messy yet have OCD when it comes to certain rooms in the house/certain things (e.g. kitchens always have to be tidy, and makeup always has to be organised in a certain way).
You will learn all of those things and many more, and that scares me. I don’t like staying at other people’s houses because I don’t like people realising all of those little things that I do. Not because I’m embarrassed or anything, but because that is me. That’s who I am. Letting someone see me like that is a scary though, because it’s the most open I’ll ever be with someone.
January brought hope, despair and loss.
February brought pain in abundant amounts.
March brought glimmers of happiness with an equal amount of stress.
April brought bad thoughts, difficult days and long nights.
Nothing pisses me off more than someone making plans with me and then cancelling them at the last minute.
It’s even worse when they cancel by not responding to my texts until 3 hours after I sent it with some bullshit excuse.
I’ll remember that next time you need me to do something for you.
I really wish you could see what you do to me. I really wish you could see how much stress and pain you put me through. I really wish you would stop it.
We used to be so close. We still are very close but it’s in a different way. I can still tell you everything and anything, but sometimes it just doesn’t feel right. At times, you feel like a complete stranger. It feels as if we’re just speaking for the first time. It’s so weird because even though you feel like a stranger, you’re a stranger who knows all of my secrets. Even though you feel like a stranger, you’re still my best friend.
Yesterday in work, a patient that I was speaking to said that I was quite an open person, and very welcoming. We were speaking for about an hour and she told me all sorts of stuff about herself, including the fact that she’s also bipolar. I found it amazing that I could open up to a total stranger and that they could open up to me.
I’m currently speaking to a girl I went to school with and she’s speaking to me about her eating disorder and how she feels about it all. We used to speak in school, and in first/second year, we were pretty good friends but we were never like, best friends or anything.
A lot of people have always said that I’m quite easy to talk to. It’s just weird that someone who is so antisocial can be so easy to talk to.
I expected too much of you, and for that I am sorry. But I will not apologise for the actions you led me to. I don’t see why I should have to disguise my feelings just because the situation isn’t necessarily ideal for you. If you hurt me, you will know. If you upset or anger me, you will know. I will not make any sort of attempt to shield you, or your feelings, from my words because you haven’t ever considered my feelings in the past. I will not dull down my words, nor will I ever think I am being too harsh. You deserve every bit of grief I give you, and I will give you a lot of it.
Whenever I speak to you, it just hurts more and more. I know I should be over it by now but I’m not.
I wish you would stop playing these games.
I’m going to try and go to Lizy’s tomorrow because it honestly feels like I haven’t seen her in weeks. The plan is to study, but really we’re just going to eat Chinese food, drink beer and bitch about our lecturers and people in our class. That’s how we do.